Butterfly Chronicles Volume 23:

For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known.

Dearest Zachery,

I love you. I miss you.

Yesterday, we went to Taylor’s mock trial competition. You would’ve been so proud of how well she did. She misses you so much, but she is strong in faith and rests in the fact that you are with Christ. Right after you left us, she lost her driving passion for golf. It just wasn’t fun for her anymore. That happened to all of us - the normal no longer feeling right or good. Some days are really hard for her, but she is learning how to deal with what has happened, and I believe she is living a testimony for the Lord. She has gotten back to golf, just at a slower pace, but she’s enjoying it again. Graduation is coming quickly. It will be a bittersweet day without you.

Madison, although she isn’t really able to talk much about you right now, has your lacrosse picture on her jewelry box where she brushes her teeth each morning and night. Precious Cody wrote Madison a letter just after you left us, and when she wrote him back she talked about how she missed you, her best friend. She wasn’t much interested in soccer right after, and she took off for a while, but none of us felt like doing our lives, and it has taken time for all of us to get back to a smidgen of normal. You’d be proud of how Madison has gotten back into soccer. She’s finally having fun again.

Your dad and I get through each day by hanging onto the Lord as he drags us along. Without your dad holding us all together and pointing us back to the face of Jesus and your new home, I don’t know how we would be holding up. We are so blessed to have him in our lives. I hope you can see how much he loves and misses you and how much I love and miss you.

Nana and Grandad have given us a home since we can't go back to the old. We are searching for a new one, but know that moving won't lessen your absence. Our whole family including our friends family, has come together in a tight bond to survive. We are blessed so much by those relationships. I think we are life-preservers for each other.

We talk about your new home and what it must be like for you there. Your dad’s faith is so strong. He talks about how God may have pulled the curtain of eternity back for you so you can see how all this earthly stuff works itself out for God’s glory. We can’t see it or feel it right now, but our Lord knows exactly what our hearts and souls and minds need, and I just hope we can remain strong and courageous and stay the course and live His will.

I wish I knew why. I wish things were different for us. But I can’t say that I would ask you to come back. How could I - knowing you are perfectly, wholly, eternally healed from whatever pulled you to the end you chose. If it had to end, your life here on earth, I give thanks that it was immediate, no lingering pain or hanging on to life by a thread, caught between here and there. In a single moment you were out of pain and in the arms of our holy God. I’m so very thankful for that.

Your dad holds my head above the water that pulls me down, down, down. You know the kind of man he is. Truly he is our gift from God and his faith is so pure, true, and steadfast. He told me one day that he prays for you in heaven. I didn’t even think about being able to do that. He explained it to me. Zach, your job is not done; your work for the Lord is not complete; it is just beginning. You have eternity to grow and learn about and glorify our infinite God. So dad, and now I, pray that you will glory in glorifying the “I AM”, Alpha and Omega, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit – our great and awesome God.

I don’t know if you know about the butterflies, but I hope you do, and maybe God even lets you send them to us sometimes. I really don’t know how much or what God reveals to you about what’s going on down here, but if you see, then know I am comforted over and over by the butterflies, and they draw my thoughts to the One who can see us through this and to you and to knowing that you are okay. Madison never misses a butterfly day either and is constantly pointing them out to me. I hope that everyone who knows the butterfly stories thinks of the Lord when they hear about them. Maybe someone will meet and love Christ because of the butterflies He has sent to comfort us and let us know you are with Him.

I have so many things I want to say to you – even though you don’t need to hear them, but it helps to get it out and hopefully, over time, I will be able to pour them out and get to a feeling better place. Mrs. Raeann says I am getting stronger, and I hope she is right. Some days, I can’t think about you because I just couldn’t take another step if I did – the heartbreak is just too much. It is an awful guilt that consumes me when I have to push you away, and I pray that someday I won’t have to excise you from my mind for periods of time in order to keep moving, living, breathing. Taylor and Madison and your dad need me just like I need them so sometimes I have to close my heart to the pain, and my mind to you and you not being here. Then, there are days when all I do is think about you. The good and last moment memories mingling, drawing tears and weighing my heart heavy. I pray the good memories overtake the last ones someday. I’m waiting on the Lord.

You are such a blessing. You filled our lives with joy and when the pain slows, I know you will again. Joy is hard right now. We miss you. We know you are so much better than okay, but the missing you is just so hard.

We love you forever and look forward to the day God reunites us. Have a glorious day on heaven’s lacrosse fields, my boy. Glory in the glory of the Lord. Your life is just beginning. That is what we have to walk toward – you are just beginning!

Now I only know in part, but someday I'll know fully. I love you, Zach.

Mom