Butterfly Chronicles Volume 24: Raw Skin,

...no one understands that the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil.

Dear Zach,

The band aid, cemented to our skin, has been viciously ripped off and underneath layers of raw, pink-red skin, burning, opened stinging in the open air that's clearing from the numbing fog - we are falling into the feeling and it sucks. Funny, it seems we are all open wounded simultaneously, all in one week.

Grief manifests itself, alive, different for each. Bottles sailing-crashing into walls, desperate acting out of anger - mean, ugly, swirling temper tantrums, tears and heaving shoulders, the wish for tribal screams instead of the inner screams that no one can see or hear. You, we are all raw to no more numb missing you in our lives. I only thought it hurt before and I hope it doesn't get any worse. We know where you are, but you've been excised, extracted, sucked out of our lives, heaven for you, a hole for us, learning to cope and trying not to dig a hole and cover up.

Absolutely, knowing to the core of my soul, deepest recesses of my mind, we all know you never would have taken this road if you could've known the future. Gunner, your first hello at waking. Every time I look into the eyes of your nine year old puppy all grown up, I see you. Gunner is you..exploding muddy paw prints painted all over us, full of energy, smiles - you with four legs, tail wagging. We know you would have never, ever left him if you could've looked into that crystal ball of future.

Your dad, so so so sad. You would've never ever put that look, that missing, desperate, lost look in his eyes, his soul groping for understanding, trudging through work, holding us all in his strength, but so sad.

Your sisters. Not understanding. Closed off, coping within a limited scope of maturity. Not understanding. Raw. Sometimes so frightened. Wondering if someone is next. Changed forever. Clinging to the knowledge that you are saved and safe, but missing, missing, missing. They know too. Never, ever would you have ever ever hurt any of us if you had known - even a tiny piece of the wreck we are and brokenhearted and trying to undent ourselves-you didn't know.

Your Aunt Natalie - a butterfly - bringing hugs and butterflies and love and hugs-holding back tears until the dam breaks. Uncle Greg, Landon, Jonathan, Lauren, Callie, Kyler, Connor, Uncle Patrick, Aunt Cherie, Mimi, Ken, Nana Pony - cupcakes and love and Bible verses and prayers - all them, every single one lifting prayers, Grandaddy - calling, so needing, desiring to do something when there is just nothing anyone can do but bow down in front of the throne of grace as God slowly pieces us back together. Raeann, Todd, Lynn, Josh, Ryan, Darren, Eric, Amber, Anna, Matthew, Laura, and this list just goes on and on and I couldn't even say the names of everyone who misses you. On and on - this list.

Nana and Grandad, our shelter in this storm. So kind. So hospitable. So strong. We are walking slowly together, injured, bleeding, sleeping and rising and rising and sleeping, waiting on the Lord for a house sale and house purchase. Them covering us with a roof of love, walls of steel, talking the Lord to us.

Oh, son. I'm so sorry we missed whatever it is that we missed. But I also know that only God schedules the time and place and circumstances of our departure for the journey to eternity. I know He is a good God. I know. I know. We are bleeding, raw. Where is the scab, when will it form into the scar that will always be so thick on our lives. We'll survive, but the deep wounds will take time, months, years, never to heal. Only God can surgically sew us back into survival.

It rained all week off and on. In the grocery store, I was suddenly overcome by the image of you in that box. I couldn't see or hear or move. Seeing it lower, knowing your soul was not there, but thinking of your human body, cold in the rain. Get thee back Satan - you are trying to steal my hope and trust and faith in my Lord. Get thee BACK in a tribal scream that blows off my head. You will not destroy us. God is for us. You have lost and I am angry at you, never at my Zach or my God. Fury, anger, hate for who you are and how you thumb your nose at our holy God and seek us, that evil lion waiting for the moment when we are weak. Get theE BACK. You have pissed me off and MY GOD IS INFINITE AND I AM STANDING STILL KNOWING HE WILL FIGHT AGAINST YOU FOR ALL OF US. YOU WILL NOT WIN. WE KNOW THE END OF THE STORY AND YOU WILL NOT WIN. I am armed with the Word, the helmet of salvation, the Mind of Christ, WE ARE SEALED. You will not win.

Zach, I can't breathe most of the time. But I know you never ever never never had any idea or where we'd be. Dear God I so wish this could be different. But please, please don't let it be in vain. Save someone from this very evil, bring someone to his knees in front of You to accept Your grace. Let someone see us persevere, shattered as we are. Let us show them what a good God can do and work and heal. God, tell Zach we know.

Zach, we know.

We love you.

We miss you.

Forever in the light; we know you are.

God use this, use this. Please. All things work together for good and please show us how You are working.

Zach. We know son and we will never ever stop loving you and living forward to that day when we sit in a chair on the lacrosse sidelines and watch you glory in God's field of forever life.

We know.

I love you. We love. We know.

Mom