“…humble
yourselves before God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.”
Christmas,
holidays, Zach’s birthday, all playing out like a movie I am watching but not a
part of. Satan hisses it’s your
fault. Gripping my heart, the blood
filled muscle crushing, oozing between his fingers, snake tongue licking my ear
searching for my thoughts and fears, blowing slowly curling black smoke filled
with words: shame for your past, shame for your mothering, shame for your
self-righteousness, shame for all your mistakes, shame for your faltering faith
in a God who wouldn’t save the likes of you. Unworthy, you. Hissing.
Humid mouth breath filling my brain, suffocating my faith.
“You say you
have faith, for you believe that there is one God. Good for you! Even the
demons believe this, and they tremble in terror.”
They tremble
in terror of my God who I don’t almost believe in anymore. They tremble.
“…my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the
power of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may
be able to stand against the wiles
of the devil.”
Those licking
lies of Satan. “God could never love
you. You’re broken. You’ll always be broken. God could never love you.”
Exploding light crackles, bursting, splits the hissing wet tongue tickle of
Satan’s lies, blinds them searing them out of my head.
The light,
speaking a tender voice of steel, I love even you, Satan. I love you because of who I am, not because of who you
are or who you aren’t. I didn’t choose
the road for you, Satan. You chose. I
love her. I love her because of who I
am, not because of who she is or who she isn’t.
I want none to perish, but that choice belonged to you, Satan. That choice belongs to her.
Guess what
Satan. In your hot sweaty lies, you hide
the truth about you. You, Satan, are broken too. You’ll always be broken. You chose you over God. You can't hide your trembling from Him.
You,
Satan, are right. I am broken. But I chose THE TRUTH, THE WAY, THE WORD, THE LIFE, and the God of the Universe, who makes
something from nothing, sees me through my Savior – even if I hear your lies
louder than HIS love.
I forget my
armor. I forget my power in the
Lord. I am sad and weak and broken. You, Satan, operate in your own power, from
your own lusts, from your own evil heart – and you stand before God naked and broken
without the cloak of salvation given to me by Jesus Christ – which unbreaks all
my brokenness. You will forever be
broken. You pursue with vengeance, but vengeance is mine says the Lord.
I hear
you. Sometimes I listen. Sometimes I believe your lies. But Satan, even when I fail and fall, fall,
fall away from my God, He will never leave me or forsake me, and you, Satan,
left and forsook God.
My eternal
address is firm and unfailing. Guess
what, Satan, so is yours.
Even when I am
down and your hot breath stamps the stink of dead on my mind, you can’t win. Victory is mine
because of Jesus Christ. Hiss, lie,
twist me up, break me. God forever wins,
which means He wins for me – and because He who is in me is greater than you
who are in the world, I can’t do one thing to separate myself from Him and His
love. Neither could Zach.
Get thee back
broken Satan. My God fights for me, and
you tremble.
