NOTE: I wrote this on 2/17/17 after years of writing
nothing. I needed to write today - to talk about Joshua. To vent.
But I read this first. And it says what I feel today. Their
gone-ness is big.
Our neighbor's daughter was
killed on January 26, 2017. They live directly across the street, and for
the past week, we've relived our first, post-dead kid week. It sucks. It
doesn't ever get better. It just gets different. There are days
when it washes over me, and I believe in those moments I can't possibly survive
the rest of my lifetime knowing this pain is there, always lurking because of
the fall and because this is not the way God meant it to be. Thank you, God,
that feelings pass...sometimes in moments, sometimes in days, but they pass for
a while, and I can breathe again for a while.
I haven't published a blog for
a long time. Too many things have happened over the past 5 years since
Zach died that don't completely belong to me, so I won't tell the stories or
compromise anyone else's privacy. It's been really, really hard on my
whole family. Suicide. Don't do it, ever. I have been to the breaking
point, to the edge of the pit, to thoughts and desires of driving my car right
over the curb and straight into a tree on Kingwood Drive, (I deal with
depression anyway), and it is only because of God's grace that I haven't
collapsed and ended up committed somewhere. I will admit openly that I'm
diabetes bound because rather than succumbing to quaaludes or xanax or valium
or alcohol to survive, sugar has become my drug of choice, and I mean like
alcoholic, DWI consumption levels of the stuff. It's pathetic. One
day at a time, sweet Jesus. One day at a time. Release me, dear Jesus.
I guess I'm writing this
because someone (my sister) said she thinks I'm so strong and have so much
faith. Oh, dear sissy, if only it were true. The reality is that I
am just stubborn, a "type A," a first-born. You see, if I am
going to spout out all this stuff about Jesus and His love and faithfulness and
grace and salvation, and read His Word, and watch sermon after sermon after
sermon, and pray and cry out in the depression and desperation - what the
hec!?!?...do I have any other choice than to get up and put one foot in front
of the other? If I don't, I'm a total fraud. My life is a total fraud.
Jesus is just a delusion, and the butterflies that have come every single day
for 5 years, 4 months, and 25 days are just a coincidence. Yeah, right!
I don't believe in coincidences. And I know my Redeemer is real and
true-blue and faithful and right here in the here and now. Truly, even in
the mess of me, I KNOW my redeemer lives.
In case there is any confusion, please know that we are surviving only because God really is who He says He is. I watch the world around me and my heart breaks for those frantically seeking meaning and wholeness everywhere but the only place it can be found - which is in Jesus Christ only! God is the I am, a very present help in trouble, the only one who will never leave or forsake or forget to be who He said He is. I share my stuff because I want you to know Jesus doesn't care where you are on the journey or what you've done. He just wants you. Right where you are. Right now. We are all just a big pile of mess. He loves us anyway. We're full of shame and regret and issues. He loves us anyway. We've fallen short, messed up, gotten it all wrong. He loves us anyway. No one will EVER love us the way He does. I just really want you to know that. No matter what. He loves you. Don't give up. Let Him pick you up. It's not a magic pill and all won't suddenly be well, but HE'LL be with you in the mess of you, and you'll never be alone again.
