Butterfly Chronicles: Divine Appointments - Please Pray for Maria

     Checking out at Walmart today, I met Maria, my cashier.  Somehow, we stumbled into a conversation about our kids being messy, and I shared Zach's situation and how it taught me only the living make messes and how most things in life aren't nearly the big deal I thought they were now that I've lived through the death of a kid.
    
      Immediately, she let me know I'd hit a nerve, "Thank you for sharing that.  My 15 year old daughter tried to do that 3 weeks ago," and the tears welled up threatening a break in the dam.  "I live my whole life trying to keep her alive now and trying to figure out what to do."  (Oh, Raeann, how very well we know the story of that life.)

     "Whatever it takes," I said.  "You do whatever it takes.  You sell your house.  You sell your car.  You give it all up to make sure she's okay, to make sure she's still alive in the morning."

     Nodding with conviction, she swiped at her tears whispering, "I know.  I know."

     At that moment, she opened her heart to me leaving me breathless, broken, and knowing God had arranged this meeting.

     "At 18 I had a child die," she shared, "issues with the pregnancy.  She was so small.  In my 20's another one died.  In my 30's another one."

     I could barely breathe.  "Dear God. I am so so very sorry."

     "It's why I know I will do anything to keep her alive. I keep checking on her during the night to make sure she's still alive in the morning."

     As we continued talking, I told her I know Zachery is in heaven and that I'll see him again, and we swapped God stories about how beauty really can come from ashes.  She ministered to me.  I ministered to her.

     I told her, "You understand faith.  You understand that you can still trust a God who allowed 3 babies to die and who didn't let your daughter die now.  It's a weird thing to be able to trust a God who allows this stuff, but you do trust Him.  And I trust Him."

     Then we talked beauty from ashes.  We compared notes on how even though we know the most horrific things do happen, have happened, we also know we wouldn't know God now the way we do if those very things had never happened.  God's economy is so different from man's.  His ways and thoughts are higher than ours.

     This beautiful God loving woman is named Maria.  I told her I would pray for her.  I told her I understand staying up all night to make sure a kid is still alive in the morning.  She brushed away more tears, and I brushed away mine.

    This was a Divine Appointment.  I needed Maria today and she needed me.  She needs you too.  Can you pray for her?  Pray for Maria and her daughter and her daughter's life.  His mercies are new every morning.  Great is Thy faithfulness.

     By the way, I'm keeping my great nephew today, and he has pointed out butterflies to me the whole time we have been together.  They still come every single day.

Butterfly Chronicles: Divine Delays

On our Stove Project trip to Guatemala, the butterflies were everywhere.  Several times, repeat visitors commented that they had never seen so many butterflies there – ever!  In trying to process the trip and discover the hierarchy of all the lessons God taught me, one keeps rising to the top.

Delay.  In the grocery line, at the doctor’s office, in traffic, at the car wash, at the bank.  Delay.  It’s as sure as death and taxes.

Delay.  Sometimes, it frustrates us.  But, I’ve worked really hard to re-attitude about it and wonder what God might be doing IN the delay.  This is the lesson from Guatemala.  Delay is often DIVINE.

It was our last day, and we were running errands – picking up freshly ground coffee from one villager and hand woven baskets from another.  While visiting with the basket maker and her family, an elderly woman came up and asked me for help.  I grabbed a translator and several of us followed this woman to her home where we met her daughter and her three grandchildren ages 7 mos, 2 years, and 10 years.  The 10 year old was sick – burning with fever, red-eyed, her tonsils almost touching and covered with puss. 

Delay.  I ran back to the bus to find the Stove Project's medicine woman.  Most of our group had already boarded and were waiting on us. Delay. They were delayed, and they didn’t know why.

For the sick 10 year old, our medicine lady did some doctoring and loving and then praying.  The prayer is what did it.  It’s the lesson. It’s not exactly verbatim, but here’s what was said to this sick little girl in prayer:

Jesus sees you.  He saw you and he saw that you were sick.  We didn’t know we were supposed to be here with you, but He did.  He sent us here - to you - because He loves you.  He sees you.  

There’s so much more to this story – the fact that the grandmother who has NOTHING – wanted to pay us, and the fact that there is so little we can do in terms of help for these people, but God showed up, shows up, and will always keep on showing up. His economy for us and His love for us is never wanting.  He shows up.

All those Stove Project peeps were waiting on us, delayed on the bus, delayed so God could show up and minister to a young girl in need in the middle of a mountain village in Guatemala. I was blessed to be part of what was delaying them and to watch God show up in our medicine woman and in our translator / prayer warrior.  In those moments, God was showing up for me too, teaching me and loving me and growing me. And that’s the lesson isn’t it?  Delay is DIVINE.  Sometimes I’m the one delayed, and I have no idea why or what God might be doing for someone in that delay. I’m just going to say thank you when the delays come because HE IS SHOWING UP SOMEWAY, SOMEHOW FOR SOMEONE! Sometimes He even uses us IN His delays, and that is truly divine! 

God is working all things together for good for those who love Him.  In our comings and goings and in our delays…God is working.  

 NOTE:  The sick little girl is in the first photo wearing the pink shoes.  The other photos show some of the other people we met - all of whom I want to go back and visit if God allows me to.

Butterfly Chronicles: It Just Gets Different

NOTE:  I wrote this on 2/17/17 after years of writing nothing.  I needed to write today - to talk about Joshua.  To vent.  But I read this first.  And it says what I feel today. Their gone-ness is big.

Our neighbor's daughter was killed on January 26, 2017.  They live directly across the street, and for the past week, we've relived our first, post-dead kid week. It sucks. It doesn't ever get better.  It just gets different.  There are days when it washes over me, and I believe in those moments I can't possibly survive the rest of my lifetime knowing this pain is there, always lurking because of the fall and because this is not the way God meant it to be. Thank you, God, that feelings pass...sometimes in moments, sometimes in days, but they pass for a while, and I can breathe again for a while.

I haven't published a blog for a long time.  Too many things have happened over the past 5 years since Zach died that don't completely belong to me, so I won't tell the stories or compromise anyone else's privacy.  It's been really, really hard on my whole family. Suicide. Don't do it, ever.  I have been to the breaking point, to the edge of the pit, to thoughts and desires of driving my car right over the curb and straight into a tree on Kingwood Drive, (I deal with depression anyway), and it is only because of God's grace that I haven't collapsed and ended up committed somewhere.  I will admit openly that I'm diabetes bound because rather than succumbing to quaaludes or xanax or valium or alcohol to survive, sugar has become my drug of choice, and I mean like alcoholic, DWI consumption levels of the stuff.  It's pathetic.  One day at a time, sweet Jesus.  One day at a time. Release me, dear Jesus.

I guess I'm writing this because someone (my sister) said she thinks I'm so strong and have so much faith.  Oh, dear sissy, if only it were true.  The reality is that I am just stubborn, a "type A," a first-born.  You see, if I am going to spout out all this stuff about Jesus and His love and faithfulness and grace and salvation, and read His Word, and watch sermon after sermon after sermon, and pray and cry out in the depression and desperation - what the hec!?!?...do I have any other choice than to get up and put one foot in front of the other?  If I don't, I'm a total fraud. My life is a total fraud. Jesus is just a delusion, and the butterflies that have come every single day for 5 years, 4 months, and 25 days are just a coincidence.   Yeah, right!  I don't believe in coincidences. And I know my Redeemer is real and true-blue and faithful and right here in the here and now.  Truly, even in the mess of me, I KNOW my redeemer lives.

In case there is any confusion, please know that we are surviving only because God really is who He says He is.  I watch the world around me and my heart breaks for those frantically seeking meaning and wholeness everywhere but the only place it can be found - which is in Jesus Christ only!  God is the I am, a very present help in trouble, the only one who will never leave or forsake or forget to be who He said He is.  I share my stuff because I want you to know Jesus doesn't care where you are on the journey or what you've done.  He just wants you.  Right where you are.  Right now.  We are all just a big pile of mess.  He loves us anyway.  We're full of shame and regret and issues.  He loves us anyway.  We've fallen short, messed up, gotten it all wrong.  He loves us anyway.  No one will EVER love us the way He does.  I just really want you to know that.  No matter what.  He loves you.  Don't give up.  Let Him pick you up.  It's not a magic pill and all won't suddenly be well, but HE'LL be with you in the mess of you, and you'll never be alone again.