Butterfly Chronicles Volume 80: Panic and Butterflies

I’m too tired to edit.  Forgive me. 

Just when I think my blog catharsis journey is over, it's not.

When my emotional tank is depleted or I get too tired, there is never a way for me to know beforehand what, if anything, will trigger an emotional eruption.  Today, I had one.  

At Home Run Ministries - where I teach one hour per week, our faculty meeting was today. SOOO many stressful and trying events cover us right now I knew I shouldn't go, so last night, I emailed saying I wouldn't be at the meeting.  This morning - the old me felt the tug of life's "have-to's," so I emailed and said I would be at the meeting. 

My heart was pounding before I ever got to HRM, and I barely made it inside but felt I had to. Susie handed me a butterfly bag. God knew what was coming.

Often in my "new" self, my old self takes over and says sure; I can do that. When the actual event comes about, I have no idea why I thought I could attend; I panic. I feel flaky always making excuses and having to explain, but such is the nature of this oh-so different life. I am a person who no longer recognizes self. I should remember to be like Rhett to Scarlett - Frankly my dears, I don't give a damn about "have to's."

I couldn't be invisible at this meeting.  Panic.  I had to introduce myself. Panic.  A photo celebrating a young man's difficult journey and ultimate success in entering Bible college was being passed my way. Panic...tiny holes boring into the dyke holding my tears.  A quick glance and pass of the photo.  Another boy growing up.

Susie calls for prayer.  A prayer request.  Another family, another daughter - suicide.  The fourth I know of this summer.  The prayer started; I parted - as fast as I could - choking on sobs, unable to breathe, suffocating.  Hurry to car.  Sit.  Sob.  Seat wet.  Unable to stop.  Breathe. Try to breathe.

NO GAS.

Arrive at gas station – still gasping for air.
Pump keeps turning off.
I keep working at the nozzle. Success.
I look down.

On the ground between me and the pump: half of a paper butterfly.

Susie emailed and said sorry she mentioned the suicide.  I wish I could explain it so people would understand.  As much as anything today, the meeting, the picture passed around, the panic were all triggers; the mention of another suicide was gas on an already burning flame. Sometimes, a simple walk through the grocery store is a trigger.  I just never know what it will be.

Right now, I don't know how to speak to anyone outside my immediate family. To survive I stay isolated. I barely check emails if they aren't from Susie or soccer. I don't check texts or voice mails anymore. But, today, strangely, when I escaped from the meeting and made it home, I went to my email.

A mother I treasure but don't get to see anymore wrote me the email below.  She says she didn't want to invade my space or offend me. 

How could I be offended when God must’ve whispered in her ear that He needed me to have His words through her words today?  

Her email:

Subject: Encouragement and prayers

Hello Beth, 

I do not want to invade your space but I feel your pain when I read your blog and I want to encourage you that you are on the right path and I want to respectfully disagree with any lingering self assessment that you failed as a mom.  I was also so happy that the Lord gave you the incredible blessing of seeing Him and Zach. Zach who loves you so very, very much.  (The Zach Encounter - Chronicle 75)

We all make so many mistakes as parents and I could easily be in your shoes.  I will share that with you if you ever desire.  You said "A child should not die."  You are right.  Do not let folks tell you that this was God's best plan for Zach or your family.  You are on the right track that God is a loving God.  Rather, Jesus tells us that "The thief comes but to steal, kill and destroy."  So the Lord did not want this pain for you or Zach.

This was the work of the enemy in a fallen world.  However, the Lord did know that for that very fleeting moment Zach would yield to the temptation of despair - we all yield at times, we have all made mistakes.  The Lord knew that that temptation was coming Zach's way and He made provision for Zach.  The Lord placed Zach in a very loving family who had Zach ready to meet Him that day.  The devil meant to destroy Zach but the Lord had already rescued him through y'all.  We serve a God that will always make a way of escape for us.


 Zach did not die because you were not a good mom.  Rather he was ready for eternity that the Lord knew he would face early because you and Michael were and are good parents - the parents God ordained for Zach.  God gave you Zach as a wonderful gift and I hope that you can accept that He gave you to Zach as the mother he needed and a wonderful gift.  Just as you love Zach despite the pain his suicide caused and would not trade him; Zach when you see him completely in Heaven will tell you he loves you immeasurably and would not trade you - that you are God's gift to him.

So too, the Lord knows your pain and He has made provision for you as well.    You said "Eternity beckons".  I felt that way too after Barbara, my sister, died - still do.  Life had lost its innocence.  Everything was somewhat "fixable" before that but this was not.  Things would never be the same.  Life had lost its allure.  In a way that ended up being one of the "blessings" God wrought.  Heaven is now more real to me - as it seems it is for you as I read your blogs.  I know Barbara and other loved ones are there and the world does not have as much of a hold on me.  What matters now is not the things of this world but the eternal.  Part of God's purpose for your life was to prepare Zach but the Lord has more for you to do.  

Despite the pain our family is blessed to have Barbara.  We will have her for eternity.  We would not have said, "No, to avoid the pain, please place her with someone else."  No, the pain is there but the blessing of having her as part of our family now and for eternity is far greater.  I know you would answer the same regarding Zach.   

So, I guess what I am trying to say is, God is a loving God.  He is for you.  He did not wish this but He is present in the midst of it.  He protected Zach from the devil's ultimate plan and He has a way of escape for you as well. 1 Cor. 10:13  The Lord has prepared healing and a new joy - not the "innocent" joy of before Zach's homegoing, but joy that will come.  A joy in serving Him, a joy in serving others, and a joy and peace that the "god of this world" has not and will not triumph.  Zach's words in your dream:  "You'll get there.  It'll just be harder." are true.  It is harder after the death of a child or sibling but those words are also a promise and an encouragement.  Again, y'all are in our prayers.   I hope that I have not offended you in any way.  I will always remember you in my prayers.  

God sends me butterflies and words from friends, 

and like it or not, I keep waking up.