It lands like a punch in the face this “love” from God. Am I alone? Do other Christians walk around in a place where the Christian life is a jaunt through the rainbow squares of Candy Land? How could I have been caught off guard? How did I forget that TRUTH IS a punch in the face? To say to a pre-saved me and to a dead world – you are doomed – you are dead – you are nothing without the saving grace of Jesus Christ – Y O U H A V E NO H O P E. Say that in LOVE? I can say those words in the sweet, sing-song, love voice of an angel – but it’s a punch in the face kind of love no matter how scream-o or sweet-o the lyrics are. Believe or die. The end.
Since January, my brain’s been engaged and picking its way through a tangled web to find truth. The web is unwoven. My brain rests. My heart aches. Peter M.D. says it was good for my brain to care. But, now I know why the girls fill every moment with something other than quiet. It closes the mind’s picture show of memories, black as night, without air, filled with screaming, and flashing lights, and
Smiling a fake mustached smile, Zach peered back at me from a tacked photo. That punch in the face moment when panic screeches out of control with the all over again realization that he’s not ever coming back. The head resting in a box on white satin with eyes that won’t open – he’s not coming back. I can’t look at his photos, and I feel guilty that I can’t look at his photos. I come undone.
How does it feel this coming undone? A crawl into a dark closet to hide the tears, pulling handfuls of hair wishing they’d jerk out at the roots, an almost uncontrollable desire to slam a head into the tile floor to just have it be all over.
And I ask again. How can this punch in the face be love? I’m too tired to unearth blessings. How can living with the guilt of every mistake ever made ever go away?
The future stretches, and it too is a punch in the face. A journey I don’t want to make. Poms poms packed away with the Candy Land Christian life where everything’s a “big rock candy mountain.” You’re such an inspiration. No, really, if you could see me and hear me and know my heart, you would know I couldn’t and shouldn’t be an inspiration to anyone. I want my son back.
You’re so strong. No, really, if you could see me in Peter M.D.’s office wishing myself back to numbness and fog and crouching in the dark to fight off fear – you’d know I am not strong. I want my son back.
The days stretch on. Life feels too long. The punches too hard. Hug your children.
I don’t feel better. I just feel tired.
Sometimes love is a punch in the face. I don’t get it, God, but it’s true.
I want my son back.
"Life During Wartime" (This Ain't No Party)
Talking Heads
Heard of a van that is loaded with weapons,
packed up and ready to go
Heard of some grave sites, out by the highway,
a place where nobody knows
The sound of gunfire, off in the distance,
I'm getting used to it now
Lived in a brownstone, lived in the ghetto,
I've lived all over this town
This ain't no party, this ain't no disco,
this ain't no fooling around
No time for dancing, or lovey dovey,
I ain't got time for that now
Transmit the message, to the receiver,
hope for an answer some day
I got three passports, a couple of visas,
you don't even know my real name
High on a hillside, the trucks are loading,
everything's ready to roll
I sleep in the daytime, I work in the nighttime,
I might not ever get home
This ain't no party, this ain't no disco,
this ain't no fooling around
This ain't no Mudd Club, or C. B. G. B.,
I ain't got time for that now
Heard about Houston? Heard about Detroit?
Heard about Pittsburgh, P. A.?
You oughta know not to stand by the window
somebody might see you up there
I got some groceries, some peanut butter,
to last a couple of days
But I ain't got no speakers, ain't got no
headphones, ain't got no records to play
Why stay in college? Why go to night school?
Gonna be different this time
Can't write a letter, can't send a postcard,
I can't write nothing at all
This ain't no party, this ain't no disco,
this ain't no fooling around
I'd like to kiss you, I'd love you hold you
I ain't got no time for that now
Trouble in transit, got through the roadblock,
we blended with the crowd
We got computer, we're tapping phone lines,
I know that ain't allowed
We dress like students, we dress like housewives,
or in a suit and a tie
I changed my hairstyle, so many times now,
I don't know what I look like!
You make me shiver, I feel so tender,
we make a pretty good team
Don't get exhausted, I'll do some driving,
you ought to get some sleep
Get you instructions, follow directions,
then you should change your address
Maybe tomorrow, maybe the next day,
whatever you think is best
Burned all my notebooks, what good are
notebooks? They won't help me survive
My chest is aching, burns like a furnace,
the burning keeps me alive
Try to stay healthy, physical fitness,
don't want to catch no disease
Try to be careful, don't take no chances,
you better watch what you say
packed up and ready to go
Heard of some grave sites, out by the highway,
a place where nobody knows
The sound of gunfire, off in the distance,
I'm getting used to it now
Lived in a brownstone, lived in the ghetto,
I've lived all over this town
This ain't no party, this ain't no disco,
this ain't no fooling around
No time for dancing, or lovey dovey,
I ain't got time for that now
Transmit the message, to the receiver,
hope for an answer some day
I got three passports, a couple of visas,
you don't even know my real name
High on a hillside, the trucks are loading,
everything's ready to roll
I sleep in the daytime, I work in the nighttime,
I might not ever get home
This ain't no party, this ain't no disco,
this ain't no fooling around
This ain't no Mudd Club, or C. B. G. B.,
I ain't got time for that now
Heard about Houston? Heard about Detroit?
Heard about Pittsburgh, P. A.?
You oughta know not to stand by the window
somebody might see you up there
I got some groceries, some peanut butter,
to last a couple of days
But I ain't got no speakers, ain't got no
headphones, ain't got no records to play
Why stay in college? Why go to night school?
Gonna be different this time
Can't write a letter, can't send a postcard,
I can't write nothing at all
This ain't no party, this ain't no disco,
this ain't no fooling around
I'd like to kiss you, I'd love you hold you
I ain't got no time for that now
Trouble in transit, got through the roadblock,
we blended with the crowd
We got computer, we're tapping phone lines,
I know that ain't allowed
We dress like students, we dress like housewives,
or in a suit and a tie
I changed my hairstyle, so many times now,
I don't know what I look like!
You make me shiver, I feel so tender,
we make a pretty good team
Don't get exhausted, I'll do some driving,
you ought to get some sleep
Get you instructions, follow directions,
then you should change your address
Maybe tomorrow, maybe the next day,
whatever you think is best
Burned all my notebooks, what good are
notebooks? They won't help me survive
My chest is aching, burns like a furnace,
the burning keeps me alive
Try to stay healthy, physical fitness,
don't want to catch no disease
Try to be careful, don't take no chances,
you better watch what you say
Heard of a van that is loaded with weapons,
packed up and ready to go
Heard of some grave sites, out by the highway,
a place where nobody knows
The sound of gunfire, off in the distance,
I'm getting used to it now
Lived in a brownstone, lived in the ghetto,
I've lived all over this town
This ain't no party, this ain't no disco,
this ain't no fooling around
No time for dancing, or lovey dovey,
I ain't got time for that now
Transmit the message, to the receiver,
hope for an answer some day
I got three passports, a couple of visas,
you don't even know my real name
High on a hillside, the trucks are loading,
everything's ready to roll
I sleep in the daytime, I work in the nighttime,
I might not ever get home
This ain't no party, this ain't no disco,
this ain't no fooling around
This ain't no Mudd Club, or C. B. G. B.,
I ain't got time for that now
Heard about Houston? Heard about Detroit?
Heard about Pittsburgh, P. A.?
You oughta know not to stand by the window
somebody might see you up there
I got some groceries, some peanut butter,
to last a couple of days
But I ain't got no speakers, ain't got no
headphones, ain't got no records to play
Why stay in college? Why go to night school?
Gonna be different this time
Can't write a letter, can't send a postcard,
I can't write nothing at all
This ain't no party, this ain't no disco,
this ain't no fooling around
I'd like to kiss you, I'd love you hold you
I ain't got no time for that now
Trouble in transit, got through the roadblock,
we blended with the crowd
We got computer, we're tapping phone lines,
I know that ain't allowed
We dress like students, we dress like housewives,
or in a suit and a tie
I changed my hairstyle, so many times now,
I don't know what I look like!
You make me shiver, I feel so tender,
we make a pretty good team
Don't get exhausted, I'll do some driving,
you ought to get some sleep
Get you instructions, follow directions,
then you should change your address
Maybe tomorrow, maybe the next day,
whatever you think is best
Burned all my notebooks, what good are
notebooks? They won't help me survive
My chest is aching, burns like a furnace,
the burning keeps me alive
Try to stay healthy, physical fitness,
don't want to catch no disease
Try to be careful, don't take no chances,
you better watch what you say
packed up and ready to go
Heard of some grave sites, out by the highway,
a place where nobody knows
The sound of gunfire, off in the distance,
I'm getting used to it now
Lived in a brownstone, lived in the ghetto,
I've lived all over this town
This ain't no party, this ain't no disco,
this ain't no fooling around
No time for dancing, or lovey dovey,
I ain't got time for that now
Transmit the message, to the receiver,
hope for an answer some day
I got three passports, a couple of visas,
you don't even know my real name
High on a hillside, the trucks are loading,
everything's ready to roll
I sleep in the daytime, I work in the nighttime,
I might not ever get home
This ain't no party, this ain't no disco,
this ain't no fooling around
This ain't no Mudd Club, or C. B. G. B.,
I ain't got time for that now
Heard about Houston? Heard about Detroit?
Heard about Pittsburgh, P. A.?
You oughta know not to stand by the window
somebody might see you up there
I got some groceries, some peanut butter,
to last a couple of days
But I ain't got no speakers, ain't got no
headphones, ain't got no records to play
Why stay in college? Why go to night school?
Gonna be different this time
Can't write a letter, can't send a postcard,
I can't write nothing at all
This ain't no party, this ain't no disco,
this ain't no fooling around
I'd like to kiss you, I'd love you hold you
I ain't got no time for that now
Trouble in transit, got through the roadblock,
we blended with the crowd
We got computer, we're tapping phone lines,
I know that ain't allowed
We dress like students, we dress like housewives,
or in a suit and a tie
I changed my hairstyle, so many times now,
I don't know what I look like!
You make me shiver, I feel so tender,
we make a pretty good team
Don't get exhausted, I'll do some driving,
you ought to get some sleep
Get you instructions, follow directions,
then you should change your address
Maybe tomorrow, maybe the next day,
whatever you think is best
Burned all my notebooks, what good are
notebooks? They won't help me survive
My chest is aching, burns like a furnace,
the burning keeps me alive
Try to stay healthy, physical fitness,
don't want to catch no disease
Try to be careful, don't take no chances,
you better watch what you say
