It's been 1,166 days.
I WANT CHRIST TO COME NOW.
Wise beyond her years from the way grief sculpts and warps and reorganizes a life, Madison pragmatically stated, "It comes in waves."
Like saying God is love and He could be contained within the four square walls of that word, Madison's is a hyperbolic understatement. Waves? It comes in tsunamis. Hurricane force. The perfect storm.
We face new family dynamics daily. We struggle emotionally, physically, and mentally with the grief. It takes a toll which has made us all different.
Fantasies about what Zach's life would be like now - I imagine. I see him sometimes - in the face of a blonde boy toddler. In the flip of a fishing rod, line sailing over pond, boy hope reeling, innocent anticipation for the bite, the fish.
I wonder: when did Zach get so unhappy, and why didn't we know? Oh my God in heaven, whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhy. The answer is silence. What that silence means to me? God is reminding me He is God; I am not God. You are not God, Beth Sinclair. He reminds me of His love letter and the words he says in His Isaiah book:
"Good people pass away; the Godly often die before their time. But no one seems to care or wonder why. No one seems to understand that God is protecting them from the evil to come."
God, I care. I wonder. You send butterflies. You warp and mold and razor blade skin me alive changing me into someone I don't know. My family - those within our four walls - we are islands, alone, lonely in a grief no one can understand unless they've survived it. It's lonely. When I am weak, and I am so weak, HE is strong. Have you ever been so alone in a situation where the ONLY one you can call on is God? We're more than 3 years in and still trying to learn how to talk about the suicide. The elephant in the room trumpets, and we shove in earplugs.
The most frustrating feeling that has grown in me since Zach's suicide is the finiteness of our Christian trust in God. Christians, including me, moan and cry and wail and worry and shake their fists over sin.Our words focus on sin...ON SIN. We waste time debating modesty, politics, abortion, the death penalty, Isis, the economy, who's right, who's wrong, etc.
Why aren't we moaning and crying and wailing IN JOY over the ANSWER TO SIN? With all the worry and fret and disaster and evil that filters through our conversations as we discuss the world around us, WHAT UNBELIEVER WOULD WANT TO JOIN THE GOD CLUB? Do we speak with the mind of Christ? I'm disgustingly guilty of NOT. I decide today to change.
What if in answer to every sin I see out there, and in me, I were to rejoice AND SPEAK ALOUD that Christ has overcome rather than being distracted from Christ's face BY the sin? What if I refused to EVER discuss the sin, but ONLY discussed how sin isn't the issue? What if I told everyone around me that God loves them no matter what? What if I could stand patiently in the 20 item lane behind a basket so full it is taller than me...what if I took that time God was giving to tell that basket pusher about Christ rather than being pissed that someone might be wasting my time?
What if wherever I found myself, no matter what, I SPOKE JESUS CHRIST?!?!?
What if in answer to President Obama and all those politicians and political decisions being made which don't honor the Lord...what if, instead of complaining and acting shocked by them, I made it my purpose to rejoice and SPEAK ALOUD that GOD ALONE seats and unseats rulers and that Obama and all those others can't do one thing that doesn't march by God for HIS approval. What if I SPOKE ALOUD in AWE at how God is using our government for HIS PURPOSES? What if I spoke about how great God is instead of how bad they are?!?!? WHAT IF I GAVE THANKS FOR HIS PLAN AND BLINDLY TRUSTED WITHOUT FEAR THAT HE TRULY WORKS ALL THINGS TOGETHER FOR GOOD AND FOR HIS GLORY!?!?!? What if?!?!!?I feel our Christian culture in America has become so spoiled that we mistake moaning and whining and worrying and complaining for thanksgiving. Oh, I want to spend EVERY SINGLE SECOND singing the praises of my God in every situation.
What if in EVERY WAY ON EVERY DAY I pulled every thought into captivity for Christ...what if?!?! What if I stopped being afraid? What if the ONLY WORDS OUT OF MY MOUTH WERE A REPEAT OF GOD'S LOVE LETTER TO ME?? What if?
Love is patient. Love is kind. Fear not. God is love. Be anxious for nothing. Love your neighbor. Do all things as unto the Lord. WHO WOULD I BE THEN? Am I brave enough to find out? He is my Way. My Truth. My Light. He is the Word. He is God. Do I speak and live that way? What if...what if I kept my eyes on HIS FACE AND CHOSE TO SEE EVERYTHING THROUGH HIS EYES? What if?
God, make me strong enough and courageous enough to blindly accept whatever you have for me.
What if?
