“Praise the God Who Gives and Takes Away”

Some days are better than others. Yesterday, I felt almost normal – which brought a kind of fear into my life I’ve never seen before. It was a fear of abandonment, betrayal, stone heartedness. Strangely, the fear crept in right along with the feeling normal. Debilitating grief evaporated. Focused more than in 5 weeks, my mind felt clear with most of the fog lifted, yet drained…but drained of Zachery. And, my fear grew in proportion to my relief from this grief, and I felt guilt and fought guilt, gave in, fought harder.

Was I betraying Zachery? For minutes and hours, he wasn’t filling every thought. I could breathe, -normal; fear tighter. My tears were gone – How? Why? Where are my achings for Zach? Had I abandoned him? Was I letting him go? I made it through a very long day full of “first things after” without collapse. This made no sense – this normal but enveloped in fear engulfing. The grief so heavy, so dark that it forced the air out my lungs and spasmed the muscles of my body until every inch of me ached was behind a door I didn’t shut and couldn’t open. Where was my grieving for Zachery? Heart turned to stone?

Days and nights and sunrises and sunsets and noons and all the in betweens, prayers have been lifted for our family, by our family, by those we’ve never met, and by those we know intimately. Prayers begging for God’s peace and comfort. Today, crawling out of a dreamless sleep, the heaviness, draining, tear filled, ocean deep, waves hammering grief was back and the fear replaced, the fear gone as fast as it had come.

In a way, it was a relief – knowing the longing for Zachery was full on and still with me…the urgent desperation of wanting to wrap my arms around him and just say I love you crushing the air out and knotting the insides – the grief alive and moving and breathing a hot breath torching me; the numbness a memory. A different kind of relief, but relief. Grief wanting of Zachery, knowing I have to wait until God says it’s time to see him again, back in me and through me.

In today's crystal clear blue sky day which didn’t light my soul, God – ever faithful, ever present, ever loving me, revealed another thread in His tapestry of infinite grace. What I felt as fear wasn't fear at all. God came. Giving a reprieve, God came with an answer, an action, in response to 10, 100, 1000 prayers. Rest, solace, peace, comfort. A day of almost griefless rest. The pain, back now at full tilt, but more tolerable, because I know He knows. And He rescued me and numbed me with almost normal for a little while and showed me there is hope that a single day of less grief will become 4 and 10 and 20 and on and on until He has me firmly planted exactly where He wants me and then some.

How often we miss what God does for us, gives us, shows us, protects us from. God grant me the wisdom and vision and willingness to open my soul to your Grace and experience it as the gift and blessing You mean it to be. And to not be afraid.

You know the plans You have for me. They are plans for good and never for evil. Zachery is gone from my mothering, parenting, worrying, caring, praying; gone beyond all that I can give or do for him, but face to face with You living beyond anything I could ever hope for him or imagine, and you’ve given me the grief and the comfort and the peace and the pain and the hope and the glimpses of a new normal that lets me love and miss Zach without so much pain. If I stay the course, Your course, these will mold me into a different me that You want me to be. Zachery is happy. You fill me with joy in the midst of unbearable survivable pain.

Praise God who gives and who takes away. Use me, my life, my Zach, my family, and give us the courage to meet Your challenge of loving You as a giving and taking God for our good, for our best, for Your glory.

To those who don't know God, my hope is that you will seek and find the Lord Jesus Christ and believe in Him and all He did for you at the cross. Let Him reveal the plans He has for you. Plans for good and not for evil - plans for your best.

Stop Whining and Trust God

Grief sucks. That’s what I said to the doctor who asked me how I was doing today. “It sucks.” That was the cheerful thought I had this morning as I pondered the 5 week anniversary of Zach’s death - although the word death is just an extension of that same grief sucks attitude because what I really believe is that Zach went Home. Grief steels the memory. I can’t remember what day of the week it is, almost anything about the last month, where my keys are, my train of thought, or much else, but indelibly etched on my brain like a tattoo is the reality of September 13, 2011.

Just so you know it’s not time to call the men in white coats yet, I did follow up my “It sucks” comment to the doctor with “but God is faithful.” And I really believe that, but sometimes, like everything else these days, I forget.

When Zachery died, his younger cousin, who worships Zach, said he was angry because he couldn’t cry. He couldn’t cry, he explained to all of us very thick-headed, worldly warped, splattered with the slimy evil of our culture adults, because it is hard to be sad when Zach is with Jesus, and we will see him again. Yep…Zach is with Jesus – so why does everyone keep crying?

Huh? Is that why God tells us to come to Him with faith like a child? Is that why God says let the children come to me for such belongs to the kingdom of heaven? Is that why he tells us if we don't receive Him like a child, we shall not enter? That it only takes a mustard seed? That we don’t have TO DO anything, but believe? Kids get it. Huh!

In my grief sucks state, God slapped me right upside the head with a new epiphany…one that I was missing in all my intellectual musings and listings and self pityings about all the things I’ll miss doing with Zach and that Zach will miss doing with us.

(The “things I’ll miss” list was born during an outing to lunch after the doctor visit. Sincerely, I was struggling to be in the moment with my youngest, but my mind kept sneaking back to Zach not being there...the continual stab that Zach would never be there again to join us in the ritual of eating and talking and laughing kept gutting me even as I enjoyed the precious moments with my girl. After lunch, we walked to Barnes and Nobel to search out a new book for her, and I wallowed through the shelves trying not to let my tears spill over as internally, I digested all the things I WOULDN’T get to do with Zach, the games we wouldn’t get to play, the books he wouldn’t read, the discussions we wouldn’t have, the loss of his presence in my world, and on and on and on into eyes brimming with tears and a stomach twisted to knots all while smiling trying to stay engaged with my pigtailed girlie!)

That’s when He, God, came. First commandment - we are to love the Lord our God with all our hearts and all our minds and all our souls, and second commandment - we are to love our neighbors as ourselves. All of that is about dying to self to live, putting God and others above self.

Where in the misery of my grief sucks state of mind was I loving God with my all and everything or loving others above myself – especially my Zachery? Instead of bringing EVERY thought into captivity for Christ and giving thanks that Christ has my boy in His presence, whole, happy, HOME, I’m inviting Satan to steal my joy by taking my focus off Christ…which I said I wouldn’t do. And really!?!?!? Am I so stuck in the quagmire and selfishness of what I won’t get to do with Zach that I have FORGOTTEN WHERE HE IS?!?!?!?

Big, BIG note to self:

Today, right now, this second, quit whining and trust God. Surrender. Know that He works all things together for good, and we can only see a tiny bit of thread in the infinite tapestry He has woven for us.

If I believe Zach is in heaven, and I do, then my sadness needs to be about missing him…not about WHAT I will miss because Zach is not missing anything - because Zach is truly, finally home in the presence of Christ his Savior. My focus and thankfulness has to be about the where Zach is and the Who Zach is with, not on the why’s, what if’s, what things I’ll miss. The WHERE and the WHO are certain and sure, and I can take another breath, another step, and feel joy in my grief because of the Truth in my life, and I can be okay missing Zach knowing he's not missing a thing.

Whatever your burden is today, surrender, believe, stay focused on Christ, and give thanks.

Christianity: Not for the Faint of Heart

Something made me think about courage recently...the courage it will take to make it through the long days and nights of grief ahead. In my head - in the thinking part of me, I can recite verses, pray, read my Bible, call on the Lord, and do all those "Christian" things I've learned to do, but the grief in my heart doesn't magically float away...even when I pray for it to. Which brings me to my point about courage.

The Bible is full of the phrase, "Be strong and of good courage..." Did you hear that? "Be strong and of good courage..." So many times as Christians, we want the great stuff of God without the pain, struggle, heartache, injustice, humiliation, and death faced by our Lord. We have no courage.

God is black and white, not gray. He doesn't ever tell us The Way will be easy. He's honest and forthright. He tells us over and over again to "be strong and of good courage."

Courage - what is it anyway? Having the strength to continue despite whatever fear or danger or difficulty may be involved...bravery, boldness, fearlessness, mettle, fortitude, or intrepidity. Courage.

To face down death, to praise God's victory over death, to ask "O, death where is thy victory? O, grave, where is thy sting?" This will take more courage than I have. I am weak; He is strong. I am faithless; He is faithful. I am afraid I can't do it; He says, "Be strong and of good courage."

If He equips me to do all he asks, then shouldn't I? Even when I don't want to, can't, won't, hate it? The road is a rocky one strewn with the impossibility of overcoming this sorrow. But He says, "Be strong and of good courage." So that is what I am doing today, this moment, this second. It's just so hard. The ache of missing Zach envelops and chokes and surrounds and squeezes me like a thick, sticky, dark, clutching web. I can't survive this grief alone.

Whatever you are faced with, whatever God is trying you with today, whatever test He is giving you, "Be strong and of good courage." Christianity really isn't for the faint of heart - it is full of trials meant to grow us to His glory. Of one thing I am certain -when we seek Him in the midst of those trials, He will make us strong and he will give us courage. He will make me strong and He will give me courage and because of Him, I will make it through another second, another minute, another day.

Butterflies

On our first trip to the grief counselor, she told us to be on the lookout for God’s little grace messages, and she proceeded to tell us this story:

A family buried their child, and at the graveside, they released butterflies representing the death, burial, and resurrection of Christ, and the victory of life over death because of Him. Once home to the country, their lives continued but were filled with all the grief associated with the death of a child. One day, an unusual event occurred. A butterfly flew into their home and alighted on a framed photograph of their deceased child…

The story, although touching, didn’t really resonate through my grief and numbness…it had only been two days since Zachery died.

On our way to the graveside for Zachery’s final service, the funeral procession crawled down 59 at such a snail’s pace that Michael and I were concerned about the safety of all the drivers. As we putted along, a butterfly came into view right in front of our car flying straight toward our windshield. It soared up and over our car, but in the fog of grief, I didn’t really get it…at that point. Oh, but God is faithful!

After the service, we returned to my parents’ home to spend a final day with our out-of- town and local families. During this visiting time, I received a call from Marcie, our funeral director. She wanted to deliver the flowers and other items from the funeral home. In one of the packages she dropped off, I found a picture made by the “cousins” from Austin…it was a butterfly. Tapping at my consciousness, the first inklings of those grace messages the counselor mentioned started to creep into my mind.

Shortly after the discovery of the butterfly picture, Kathy, a teacher and friend from our homeschool group, dropped by to deliver some food…she was scheduled to do this, but another friend had unexpectedly catered our family gathering after the funeral, and Kathy had been told we didn’t need her meal yet. So, it was just extra effort and kindness on her part that brought her to our door that day. When Kathy came in, we chatted, surrounded by family members. Somebody in the background called, “Beth, look at her shirt…” A butterfly…right in the middle of her shirt…the grace message was beginning to take hold.

I excitedly explained to Kathy the butterfly story and sightings and she quipped, “Well, the day’s not over yet.” We laughed at the coincidences. Within just a few minutes, I heard a clattering in the midst of the heap of plants from the funeral home as my sister tried to make her way through them. She stooped over to retrieve what had fallen, and it was a set of wind chimes…extended from a stained glass butterfly. At this point, I realized the enormity of what God was doing. This was His message.

God had spoken His presence to us with each butterfly, but it didn’t stop there. A handmade card arrived with a butterfly on the front. Another card left at our home by one of the police officers had butterflies on it. A distant friend sent a heart wrenching letter sharing her grief over the home-going of her son…in the corner of the stationary – a butterfly. Butterfly stories and sightings happened without fail EVERY day.

In my darkest moments, God would send some sort of butterfly, and if not directly to me, then through a friend or family member. One of my sister’s friends brought me a butterfly charm and told me about how meaningful butterflies were to her mom. Her mom went so far as to get a butterfly tattoo after a Christian retreat which helped her deal with the suicide of her own mother. The retreat's symbol was the butterfly. Another told about the butterfly that alighted on the flowers atop her mother’s coffin. Neighbors brought Georgia to swim with Maddie – there were butterflies on her bathing suit. A family brought a meal and their daughter had butterflies on her shirt. My sister’s neighbor came out to say hello, and her t-shirt was covered with butterflies. A mathbook with a butterfly on the cover...

The stories go on and on and on – so much so that I’ve kept a list. And, God is still sending them 3 weeks later - live sightings, a glimpse of a butterfly while flipping TV channels, on a Bible verse my mom received at Bible Study. (Most of the sightings or happenings came through people who didn't know about the butterflies...so I've gotten to tell them and now you about how God was and is working!)

I’m not a mathematician or a statistician, but it doesn’t take much consciousness or a high IQ to realize this was infinitely more than coincidence. And this is just one vein of the grace messages that have come our way. God is good all the time. The providential hand of God is so real, so clear, so present. We just have to pay attention. Zachery has gone home, and God reminds me every single day where he is. That doesn't mean it's easy; it means we are NOT alone.

I've never been much of a "gospel giver." I never knew quite how to give it or what to say, I just tried the best way I could to live it and hoped God would plant and water the seeds. All that has changed because of Zach's home-going.

If you haven’t come before the throne of grace to accept the gift provided by Jesus and His work on the cross, I ask you from the depth of my soul to contemplate for yourself what His word says and simply believe it. Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ right where you are without doing one other thing, and in that moment, you are saved, once for all, and you should start watching for your very own grace messages in happiness and in tragedy. Jesus Christ is the hope that is within me. I pray fervently for that hope for you too.

But God

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I have heard people say, "You are so strong..." I only wish they were that fly on the wall in the early morning hours when I am sobbing out my prayers begging for mercy and release from the dark, heavy burden of missing and grieving for Zachery. I wish they could see me stomping my feet, throwing things, storming down the street with tears streaming down my face, and feel the crushing agony I very nearly drown in. I wish they were there when I can't take another step, another hug, or another kind word. Strong? No. I'm crushed and broken and consumed by the pain of Zachery's death, but God.

Yes, but God. He is in the penny I found as I stormed down the street which reminded me it is "In God We Trust." He is in the gentle, still voice that tells me to stop the confetti at the pity party and give thanks that He knows and will meet my every need. He is in the middle of the night, in the dark, when I wake up and can't go back to sleep reminding me to pray for others who need Him as much as I do. He is in the faces of my husband and daughters and the wag of Gunner's tail. He is in the cool breeze and sunshine that soothes my soul as I contemplate how I'm going to take my next step. He is in every expression of thanks I can extend to every person who has blessed our family in our time of distress and need. He is the I am...ever present, always there.

Don't be fooled by thinking I am strong. I'm not, but God. I am strong in Him, through Him, and because of Him. Without Him, I am nothing. If I boast in anything, let it be in Christ in whom I can do all things because He strengthens me. And when I can't do it, He will carry me and remind me that He holds Zachery for eternity.

What is Grace

I've always understood grace to be everything God is free to do for us. But that's just a definition. On September 13, 2011, our son, Zachery, died. The gut-wrenching, searing, staggering, debilitating pain and grief that threatens to consume me is only stopped by grace. How odd that I thought I understood grace...

Grace is humbling, convicting, soul changing, and it comes in the form of so many faces, cards, letters, visits, gifts, meals, errands run, and comforting words. To say we don't earn or deserve God's infinite grace is just the unfathomable understatement of all time. But when it knocks on your door in the form of the hands and feet of the body of Christ, it is almost a weight too heavy to bear - because it is undeserved, yet so freely given. That's love. That's God. That's grace.

Friends who can't afford it, who are working a job at unGodly hours to make ends meet, who have brought meals and snacks and love and put my family above themselves - that's grace. I'm overwhelmed and trying so hard not to feel guilty for the outpouring of love and care and concern...because I don't deserve it anymore than I deserve Christ's death on the cross in my place. It's grace.

In the midst of the most horrific tragedy I never thought I'd ever face, God is growing me in understanding His grace. Words can never express the thanks and love I feel for those who have blessed us so far and who are already signed up to bless us in the future. Words can never express the love I have for God and His grace which means I didn't say goodbye to Zachery - just see ya later, my sweet boy.

My soul is raw as if I have been flayed alive. Yet, though He slay me, I will trust Him. In the crushing grief and tears that spring up without notice, I cling to His hand as he pulls me back from the edge of darkness and the enveloping reality that Zachery is gone - not lost because we know exactly where he is - just gone - home. And I am going boldy before His throne of grace to ask His rain of blessings on those who have so unselfishly blessed my family.

In all things give thanks. ALL things because His grace is sufficient. I've barked that and talked that and taught that and preached that for years. Now, I am faced with the rubber meeting the road...either I believe it...ALL of it...or I don't. Don't waste a minute; tomorrow may be completely different, and we may be completely changed. But, in the midst of whatever comes, His grace IS sufficient. With His arms to hold me up, I will walk the talk, I will not give up, and I will not allow Satan to steal my joy. Thank you God for your grace gift of Zachery Michael Sinclair and the precious 13 years he lighted our lives and for bringing Him into your arms where we will meet again for eternity.

Safe in Your arms; He is home. Pure, good, holy grace.