"I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety."Some days I need to be sad. It's those days when I allow my mind to try and grasp what has happened.
Grief is exhausting.
Every day, I don't want to move; my feet shuffle. When I'm in the doing: teaching, watching, reading, my mind is busy on good distractions. But sometimes it's a tired bone aching day, and I can't get distracted from this impossible reality that I still deny even though I know I can't.
Panic is a word I've heard other mothers, child flown to heaven, use to describe what happens, strangling, head popping off, fight or flight panic. It takes so much energy to stay sane and peel the tar and feathered panic off my skin. I'm in the Sahara, trudging water-ward, step after dragged step, knowing if I stop, I'll die.
Exhaustion exponentially multiplies the sadness. Tonight, I need sleep.
O, Lord, keep me in Your perfect peace as I lay me down to sleep.
There have been many times that I have cried out to God, "Lord, how long must I wait? How long until your return? How long until you make all things right?" Grief IS exhausting... and just when you think you cannot take another step, YOU cannot go on, YOU cannot take it anymore, that is when GOD carries... God encourages... God gives a moment of peace and rest for our weary hearts. One day, Beth, that rest will be eternal! We will find true rest, one that is not ever exhausted.
ReplyDeleteThree and half years now since Christian went to be with Jesus. Grief still exists, it still overwhelms all of me at times... but it is less hard, less wearying. His grace is sufficient!