Butterfly Chronicles: Volume 17: His Heavy Hand

16 weeks, 6 days

The LORD bless you, and keep you;

The LORD make His face shine on you,
And be gracious to you;

The LORD lift up His countenance on you,
And give you peace.

This new year, this day, my soul turmoiled, and I was so sad – missing Zachery. Mimi, my sis-in-law, texted this to me today: “My prayer for you guys is that God lays his hand of grace on you so heavy that you almost can’t stand it.”

Wow. What a blessing to have that prayed over us. And so worth paying forward that I pray this over all my friends, family, acquaintances, those who need Christ and those who already know Christ. What a prayer…His hand of grace so heavy that I almost can’t stand it.

It’s working…that prayer. Today, our “tribe” got together to eat too much and sit around with bulging bellies wiling away New Year’s Day watching dogs dive and fetch balls, children holding chickens, boys shooting airsoft guns, Frisbees flying, and football televising. Sad joy.

Holding back so many threatening tears while others escaped, I watched a private memory movie of days past. Visions of Zach on this land, in this place, digging, swimming, wrestling, airsofting, four-wheeling, smiling. Living. And now he’s not here. I was sad. The hole in my heart longing to be whole. And in the depths of this grief day, I felt His hand of grace. Surrender, stillness, the soft breath of his breezes, and a yellow butterfly.

Sometimes my faith takes me skipping down a wide road, winding and weaving through swaying flowered fields dripping from His paintbrush. Sometimes my faith is a tightrope tiptoe, tilting, teetering, this way and that over a black bottomless abyss roiling with doubt and fear flames. I pray. I cry. I feel His hand. He hasn’t healed me, and I don’t think that is His purpose. I don’t think I’ll heal from the death of our man-child. But He will carry me. And the more I hurt, the heavier His hand of grace. 2012 – the whole of the year – every sun-up, sun-down of it, Lord, use me to Your glory. Open my eyes to Your ways. Teach my self to die, so I live Christ.

I am joy-sad. I have His heavy hand. In 2012, “my prayer for you is that God lays His hand of grace on you so heavy that you almost can’t stand it.” I can’t imagine a better blessing for this new year.