A deep hollow voice in the green woods echoed today, "Tiiiimmmmbbbeeerrrrrr!!!" Yup, right before I melted down in the public of those I hold so dear. Face first, full tilt, splat. Heartache, hormones, and home relocations mix like alcohol and tranquilizers - big, Big, BIG mistake...
Yesterday I wrote about not knowing me anymore. Today, I proved it. Thinking too strong, too capable, trying too hard to be "normal", to do "normal", to not ask for help, to not even be able to look past this moment to know I need help...this is all me. Nuclear fall out me. And to top it all off, I did all of this in front of my Madison. Ugly. It was just shameful.
Grief is like that proverbial thief in the night. It tiptoes in and robs me blind before I even know I've been hacked. I emotionally suckered punched myself and spewed it all over a group of people who least deserved it.
I apologized. No excuses. Difficult circumstances, yes, but no excuses. A strange place to live - not knowing when the rubber band is too taut and might snap. I felt ashamed, embarrassed, sorry, and just plain emotionally spent. I hope they will forgive me - give me grace.
Driving home, I thought about how so much of what happened today stems from Zach's death. I don't exactly know how to keep moving forward when my umbilical cord with Zach is so thick and holding me so tightly.
Before the fallout today, my first butterflies came on a card from Reanne. When I arrived home today - post flat face fall, my sister had delivered a butterfly to my door. Later my sister came over and told me about a live butterfly that was flying around outside my backdoor and finally alighted on my butterfly garden - a butterfly gift from Kim. In the very middle of one of those milkweed leaves was a perfectly yellow butterfly egg. Just when I needed to find butterflies the most.
I got lost - again. But He found me - again, just like he always does.
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