12 weeks, 6 days
Night time is the hardest. And I don't want to whine which is what I feel like doing a lot. Trusting God right now is such a ping pong game doubt, belief, doubt, belief with what feels like an on the mat struggle to stay sane. I can't unfeel what I felt. I can't unsee what I saw. I can't unexperience what I experienced. And it seems like I just keep feeling worse. God save me. Not for eternity because I do wholeheartedly believe that Jesus already saved me and keeps me always saved and will never leave me or forsake me. My mind KNOWS it. God, please just let me feel it all the time. Wake up my heart from this bad dream. I miss him so much. It grabs me and I want to scream and hit something and smash something and "go tribal" as my core of caretakers calls it. And I want to isolate. Be alone. Away from everyone. In the grief. Back and forth from light to dark. It is so easy to be sad and stay in the dark but I think I want the light so why can't I go there and stay there? I'm so sad. God have mercy, please. He's in heaven and when will I feel better? When will my mind be strong enough to stay on that he is in heaven path instead of bouncing bouncing back to dark? I keep needing those butterflies you keep sending and even used Zach to send. And I'm thankful. And when will it feel better, Lord? When?
Getting ready for bed, Beth, so I will pray for you until I fall asleep, and then when I'm up in the night, as I am always am, and then in the morning. You're not praying and pleading alone. We all pray with you.
ReplyDeleteStacy
Dear Beth,
ReplyDeleteThere was a woman who spoke at our Bible study luncheon about the grief she still had for her husband whom she misses. Here are a few exerpts from her sharing her heart:
"Uniquely through our sorrows we can be consoled by the Man of Sorrows. Crying out, arguing,lamenting to God is normal. Go through it and confront it. Don't let go until the dance is over. In despair comes wisdom, through grief. I have learned to live with and go through grief, but always enduring grief. Intimacy with God allows us to share with Him all of our hurts, pain, joy, sorrow. Psalm 43:2-3 "You are God my stronghold. Why have you rejected me? Why must I go about mourning oppressed by the enemy? Send forth your light, your truth, let them guide me; let them bring me to your holy mountain, to the place where you dwell." God sometimes says, "I have something else in mind. And it requires another plan. To get there grief is the journey that takes as long as it takes." The grace of the Lord is enough when I have to face the loss and am missing the one I love. Deut. 33:27 The eternal God is your refuge and underneath are the everlasting arms. He will drive out your enemy before you, saying, "Destroy him!" Praying that the "bad experiences" are driven out and replaced with the Lord's healing oil, that you may dwell in His peace for your soul and mind and heart that passes ALL understanding. Praying without ceasing for you and your family!
I've been reading your posts, thanks to our friend Stacy A. and I want you to know that I am praying for you.
ReplyDeleteTonight, for some reason, this post in particular hit me hard. I think of my son (who is a freshman in college, yet I still see him as my "little boy"), and try to imagine what my life would be like without him. I can't. I just can't.
The thought of it fills me with a fear and an emptiness that I cannot express and I can't even begin to imagine what you must be going through. My tears overflow for you, and my heart breaks.
I'm praying God gives you peace; that He comforts your heart, your mind, and your soul ... tonight and in all the nights to come.
Night time is definitely the hardest... the mind wanders, the body is weak, and it is easy to fall deeper into despair.
ReplyDeleteAre you able to sleep, Beth? Ambien was a gift to us for a while... We needed the rest to help us cope with the following daytime hours.
I don't think we ever truly arrive to where there is not some struggle or a need to lean on God... in knowing that we cannot do this alone. I remember crying to God in the dark of the night to help me... and other times hearing Him telling me that He is near. But my stubbornness would hold me back a little while... There were times that I WANTED to be MISERABLE... because dang it, didn't I have a right to be?! I wanted to wallow in my sorrow, just as much as I wanted the hurt and tears to end. Does that make sense?
But God would not leave me there. And for that I am thankful!
Keep choosing the right, keep choosing to trust, keep calling on God's mighty and unlimited power! The dark nights WILL shorten, the struggles will become less overwhelming, I promise it will not always be this hard.
I know your hurt and tears seem endless right now... do not expect perfection from yourself. You can scream and cry and be weary... just always always tell it to our Heavenly Father. ALL of it.
I am so ready for Jesus to return! I know you are too, my friend. Praying for you, for continued light in the darkness and fresh new mercies.