Butterfly Chronicles: Volume 15 – Who Goes Ahead of You?

16 weeks, 2 days

Deuteronomy 31:8

The LORD is the one who goes ahead of you; He will be with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.”

As the Christmas holidays neared, we dreaded the day, the lack of Zach, the memories of past Christmas gatherings.

It took a swift kick in the butt by dearest mom to make me crawl out of the blues and get it together for the girls. While it was hard, Michael and I hope this first new normal Christmas without Zach will eventually be a happy memory for Tay and Maddie. There are so many Zach Christmas stories, but these two we talked about and enjoyed and cried over.

My Dad: “Zachery was the most unselfish kid I’ve ever known. One Christmas after asking Zach what he wanted for Christmas, Zach replied, 'Grandad, can I just have some treats for my dogs.'” That is our Zach.

The Coal: Uncle Greg our “word up, yo, yo, yo, dawg, peace out” crazy wonderful comedienne uncle decided to give Zach a gag gift for Christmas one year. Zach loves his Uncle Greg ‘cause they are kinda like two peas in a pod. Unwrapping uncle’s package, Zach had a mischievous grin spread across his face which read, “I get it, Uncle Greg.” It was a bag of coal. In and of itself the coal story is good, but here’s where it warms the heart.

Weeks ago in Zach's room, we sobbed through trying to pack away our dead child's life, item by item, touching, smelling, hugging, holding all those things he held, wore, used. Overcome by knowing he would never touch his things again, we slowly began to uncover all these treasures Zach had secreted away. These were things he held extra dear because he got rid of anything he didn't use - or so we thought. That Christmas gag gift bag of coal from Uncle Greg was stashed away among his most prized possessions. From heaven, Zachery still loves his Uncle Greg. That is our precious Zach.

Lots of butterflies came to help us through Christmas.

Dear God, You know how much we miss him and hurt over his eternal home-going. But you are the one who goes ahead of us. The butterflies speak volumes about who our God is, and how He has gone ahead of us from long ago - long before Zach's shell was lowered into ground. God, always ahead of us.

While packing our home yesterday, Taylor found this. Zachery was 5 when he drew it. God goes ahead of us.

Later yesterday afternoon, a realtor took me to see several houses. This was one of the bedrooms in my favorite house. God goes ahead of us.

Back to packing today in preparation for the movers, we found a painting Madison did several years ago which hung in her room for a long time. A butterfly was glued to the corner...I forgot to photograph it, but again God goes ahead of us.

In our bedroom today, I was packing my dresser, and in the top drawer, I found a glass container I got as one of Mamaw's treasures after she died. Usually, this container sits on the sink in the bathroom I use downstairs - Michael shared our upstairs bath with Zach. I have no idea how that little glass bowl ended up in that drawer upstairs. But, upon opening the top, I found two jewelry pieces that were also from Mamaw. God goes ahead of us.

For years now, Mud Pie has been where we go to paint and glaze pottery. In 2003, Taylor finished this masterpiece. Raeann and Cynthia found it stored in a cabinet while packing our kitchen today. God goes ahead of us.

And there are so many other butterflies I haven't shared. There are just too many to write them all here.

If someone told me this story-the story of all these butterflies, I might not believe them. It is unbelievable to me even as it happens. That's why I try to take pictures of as many as I can and save them with a name that reminds me of where they came from. And they come - usually more than once - EVERY SINGLE DAY - since September 15 - when we first heard a story about a butterfly and someone else's dead child.

Leaving our home filled with all the memories of Zachery is a difficult decision. But three of us who were there that night just can't be there in the dark of night. Trauma is the only word that comes to mind to describe it. And we relive it as if it were happening in the moment, and when He is ready, God will heal us - or He won't. It may be our thorn used for His glory in some way. But these butterflies show me over and over that He has gone and continues to go ahead of us. It is, to me, an absolute miracle.

Before Zachery died, I use to pray for faith like George Mueller. He sat his family down in a house empty of food and gave thanks to God for blessing his family with a meal that wasn't there. A ham was delivered in response to his thankfulness...I want that "Thank you in advance for your blessings" kind of faith, and one of the beauty from ashes of Zachery's death is that I think I am learning. I'm giving thanks already for the housing God will provide; I'm not asking, just thanking. It is a big step for me with God - really living with real true hard-core faith. What God has promised, I know He will deliver, and it will be for our best. And I am thanking Him because He has already gone ahead of us.

I don't deserve any of this God going ahead of me. But that's what makes Him God, and He goes ahead of you too. Enjoy it. Slow down, pay attention, and don't miss the butterflies, whatever form they take, that He sends you. And He is always sending them. Every single day.

God always goes ahead of us. He is a good God. Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and be saved.