Trying to make new memories has mixed results. Last year on July 28, we went to Splashtown. It was a whole bunch of us - Taylor, Laura, Anna, Landon, Zachery, Josh, Matthew, Caleb, Michael, me, Cheri', Connor. It was just one of the best days. Madison and Taylor deserve new memories. We are trying to make them.
Today, we again went to Splashtown. This crowd smaller - only me, Madison, Landon, Taylor and Jordan. Smile - I did - a lot. But there were moments when out of the corner of my eye, I would catch the passing of a lean boy, braces gleaming, and I would wish with all my heart it was my Zach and it always wasn't. I didn't know my memories of the last year's trip would be so vibrant and raw and right in the front of my memory stash.
More than ever, I wish God would just turn back the clock and give me my smiling boy back. It hurts so bad and feels so unfair and so impossible I can't breathe - my chest aches. He's gone. And how can he be?
I know I wasn't there when You laid the foundations, but I will never understand this. I just won't. I look at these pictures and he should've been there today, why couldn't he be there today? I will never understand. I just don't want this to be real. I want my boy back. Today, the missing overwhelms. It's too much. I write through tears that won't stop. I want him back. My heart breaks again and again. I miss you so much Zach. I missed you so much today.
Madison and Tyler do deserve new memories. I know it is hard. SO hard (major understatement). I'm sorry. This stinks and I hate it for you! I hate the pain in your heart, the missing, the questions, the aching, the tears.
ReplyDeleteI still pause and stare like a crazy person at times. It's like I have blonde hair blue eyed 4yo boy radar. And each time, I catch my breath and imagine it being Christian... imagine that my imagination is reality and my reality is just a bad dream.
"Whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away." -James 4:14
Maybe Jesus will return tomorrow and we can finally get the rest and restoration and peace we so strongly desire. Even if we have to wait many more tomorrows, keep pressing on, Beth. Zach is living what comes after the vapour-- REAL LIFE. God will make all things new and better than we can imagine or dream. All will be made right.
Love you.