A.M.beginning with grief knocking. I was blessed by an errand outing with Raeann and Madison where the grief knocked knocked knocked on the door, its vapor searching for a crack, me pushing back, holding the door closed. And then I was back to quiet house – fought out. 
It rumbles back freight train slamming bone and sinew reaching heart shattering anew. Levity of lifted moments demolished, tumbling, hitting bottom and despair – again. I hate it. It is always a surprise…as if the happy moments are a hiding demon of the grief sent to lull and seduce me into thinking this is it…this is where I am better and stronger and won’t face those demons again, then I am horned in the gut where spews immediate rushing drowning pain.
It comes in the strangest places and times. Walking through Target not being able to go down the isle of boy togs and toy aisle where Zachery and I spent so much time from birth to toddler to man child – sifting through t-shirts and Legos. I couldn’t go there. The memories erupting, and I veered away looking down that aisle, a tomb of never-mores, tingles of dread ending in shiver.
At the beginning – weeks ago, I served meals prepared by hands of grace delivered to door with hugs and words of encouragement.. When I portioned out the meal, plate by plate, delivering each to Michael, Taylor, Madison, me, there was the finding of one more plate, 5th plate, on the counter - full, steaming, and him not there to partake. Heartbroken, disbelief, the horror, that filled plate, with no Zachery to take in the blessing bounty and there was the empty Zachery chair. Why is he gone? And I fill with the emptiness of that chair tonight. Empty.
Today – trying to do something to kick that knocking grief out, dishwasher to cabinet sorting and stacking and putting those ever spilling out cheap Tupperware impersonating plastic containers away, seeing Zachery in mind’s eye like a movie arranging and organizing a cabinet full at a house no longer home and me, in now time, falling back, away from the cabinet at this temporary home, breath evaporating as I heaved on the floor in sobs. No more Zachery in the kitchen or anywhere here, ever. Once again mind adopting and vaulting self in the veil of disbelief, silent screaming no no no no no, God why?
I stop. I pray. I suck in. I can breathe in gulps. This journey, a gourmet taste of hell. So many empty spaces where he is no longer, and when will that be normal? And can that ever be normal? And do I want that to be normal? No. I want him back. I just want him back. Missing to a panic. I just want Zachery back.
Tonight, delivering child to friends for a wedding trip to Austin, grief envelops swirling worry like a fog I swat flailing knowing worry is wasted but trained by events irreversible. Worry is another fight I wait with God to win.
We are so different, altered, changed. Waiting, waiting, being still to know He is God.
Please, God. Ease our pain even though I’m really not ready for it to be easier. But I know hope when the good comes. And You know without me thinking or saying or asking or begging. You know. And many were the butterflies today. And we’re holding on.
How does a body take another step without God? I can't imagine...
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