Stop Whining and Trust God

Grief sucks. That’s what I said to the doctor who asked me how I was doing today. “It sucks.” That was the cheerful thought I had this morning as I pondered the 5 week anniversary of Zach’s death - although the word death is just an extension of that same grief sucks attitude because what I really believe is that Zach went Home. Grief steels the memory. I can’t remember what day of the week it is, almost anything about the last month, where my keys are, my train of thought, or much else, but indelibly etched on my brain like a tattoo is the reality of September 13, 2011.

Just so you know it’s not time to call the men in white coats yet, I did follow up my “It sucks” comment to the doctor with “but God is faithful.” And I really believe that, but sometimes, like everything else these days, I forget.

When Zachery died, his younger cousin, who worships Zach, said he was angry because he couldn’t cry. He couldn’t cry, he explained to all of us very thick-headed, worldly warped, splattered with the slimy evil of our culture adults, because it is hard to be sad when Zach is with Jesus, and we will see him again. Yep…Zach is with Jesus – so why does everyone keep crying?

Huh? Is that why God tells us to come to Him with faith like a child? Is that why God says let the children come to me for such belongs to the kingdom of heaven? Is that why he tells us if we don't receive Him like a child, we shall not enter? That it only takes a mustard seed? That we don’t have TO DO anything, but believe? Kids get it. Huh!

In my grief sucks state, God slapped me right upside the head with a new epiphany…one that I was missing in all my intellectual musings and listings and self pityings about all the things I’ll miss doing with Zach and that Zach will miss doing with us.

(The “things I’ll miss” list was born during an outing to lunch after the doctor visit. Sincerely, I was struggling to be in the moment with my youngest, but my mind kept sneaking back to Zach not being there...the continual stab that Zach would never be there again to join us in the ritual of eating and talking and laughing kept gutting me even as I enjoyed the precious moments with my girl. After lunch, we walked to Barnes and Nobel to search out a new book for her, and I wallowed through the shelves trying not to let my tears spill over as internally, I digested all the things I WOULDN’T get to do with Zach, the games we wouldn’t get to play, the books he wouldn’t read, the discussions we wouldn’t have, the loss of his presence in my world, and on and on and on into eyes brimming with tears and a stomach twisted to knots all while smiling trying to stay engaged with my pigtailed girlie!)

That’s when He, God, came. First commandment - we are to love the Lord our God with all our hearts and all our minds and all our souls, and second commandment - we are to love our neighbors as ourselves. All of that is about dying to self to live, putting God and others above self.

Where in the misery of my grief sucks state of mind was I loving God with my all and everything or loving others above myself – especially my Zachery? Instead of bringing EVERY thought into captivity for Christ and giving thanks that Christ has my boy in His presence, whole, happy, HOME, I’m inviting Satan to steal my joy by taking my focus off Christ…which I said I wouldn’t do. And really!?!?!? Am I so stuck in the quagmire and selfishness of what I won’t get to do with Zach that I have FORGOTTEN WHERE HE IS?!?!?!?

Big, BIG note to self:

Today, right now, this second, quit whining and trust God. Surrender. Know that He works all things together for good, and we can only see a tiny bit of thread in the infinite tapestry He has woven for us.

If I believe Zach is in heaven, and I do, then my sadness needs to be about missing him…not about WHAT I will miss because Zach is not missing anything - because Zach is truly, finally home in the presence of Christ his Savior. My focus and thankfulness has to be about the where Zach is and the Who Zach is with, not on the why’s, what if’s, what things I’ll miss. The WHERE and the WHO are certain and sure, and I can take another breath, another step, and feel joy in my grief because of the Truth in my life, and I can be okay missing Zach knowing he's not missing a thing.

Whatever your burden is today, surrender, believe, stay focused on Christ, and give thanks.