“Praise the God Who Gives and Takes Away”

Some days are better than others. Yesterday, I felt almost normal – which brought a kind of fear into my life I’ve never seen before. It was a fear of abandonment, betrayal, stone heartedness. Strangely, the fear crept in right along with the feeling normal. Debilitating grief evaporated. Focused more than in 5 weeks, my mind felt clear with most of the fog lifted, yet drained…but drained of Zachery. And, my fear grew in proportion to my relief from this grief, and I felt guilt and fought guilt, gave in, fought harder.

Was I betraying Zachery? For minutes and hours, he wasn’t filling every thought. I could breathe, -normal; fear tighter. My tears were gone – How? Why? Where are my achings for Zach? Had I abandoned him? Was I letting him go? I made it through a very long day full of “first things after” without collapse. This made no sense – this normal but enveloped in fear engulfing. The grief so heavy, so dark that it forced the air out my lungs and spasmed the muscles of my body until every inch of me ached was behind a door I didn’t shut and couldn’t open. Where was my grieving for Zachery? Heart turned to stone?

Days and nights and sunrises and sunsets and noons and all the in betweens, prayers have been lifted for our family, by our family, by those we’ve never met, and by those we know intimately. Prayers begging for God’s peace and comfort. Today, crawling out of a dreamless sleep, the heaviness, draining, tear filled, ocean deep, waves hammering grief was back and the fear replaced, the fear gone as fast as it had come.

In a way, it was a relief – knowing the longing for Zachery was full on and still with me…the urgent desperation of wanting to wrap my arms around him and just say I love you crushing the air out and knotting the insides – the grief alive and moving and breathing a hot breath torching me; the numbness a memory. A different kind of relief, but relief. Grief wanting of Zachery, knowing I have to wait until God says it’s time to see him again, back in me and through me.

In today's crystal clear blue sky day which didn’t light my soul, God – ever faithful, ever present, ever loving me, revealed another thread in His tapestry of infinite grace. What I felt as fear wasn't fear at all. God came. Giving a reprieve, God came with an answer, an action, in response to 10, 100, 1000 prayers. Rest, solace, peace, comfort. A day of almost griefless rest. The pain, back now at full tilt, but more tolerable, because I know He knows. And He rescued me and numbed me with almost normal for a little while and showed me there is hope that a single day of less grief will become 4 and 10 and 20 and on and on until He has me firmly planted exactly where He wants me and then some.

How often we miss what God does for us, gives us, shows us, protects us from. God grant me the wisdom and vision and willingness to open my soul to your Grace and experience it as the gift and blessing You mean it to be. And to not be afraid.

You know the plans You have for me. They are plans for good and never for evil. Zachery is gone from my mothering, parenting, worrying, caring, praying; gone beyond all that I can give or do for him, but face to face with You living beyond anything I could ever hope for him or imagine, and you’ve given me the grief and the comfort and the peace and the pain and the hope and the glimpses of a new normal that lets me love and miss Zach without so much pain. If I stay the course, Your course, these will mold me into a different me that You want me to be. Zachery is happy. You fill me with joy in the midst of unbearable survivable pain.

Praise God who gives and who takes away. Use me, my life, my Zach, my family, and give us the courage to meet Your challenge of loving You as a giving and taking God for our good, for our best, for Your glory.

To those who don't know God, my hope is that you will seek and find the Lord Jesus Christ and believe in Him and all He did for you at the cross. Let Him reveal the plans He has for you. Plans for good and not for evil - plans for your best.