As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I have heard people say, "You are so strong..." I only wish they were that fly on the wall in the early morning hours when I am sobbing out my prayers begging for mercy and release from the dark, heavy burden of missing and grieving for Zachery. I wish they could see me stomping my feet, throwing things, storming down the street with tears streaming down my face, and feel the crushing agony I very nearly drown in. I wish they were there when I can't take another step, another hug, or another kind word. Strong? No. I'm crushed and broken and consumed by the pain of Zachery's death, but God.
Yes, but God. He is in the penny I found as I stormed down the street which reminded me it is "In God We Trust." He is in the gentle, still voice that tells me to stop the confetti at the pity party and give thanks that He knows and will meet my every need. He is in the middle of the night, in the dark, when I wake up and can't go back to sleep reminding me to pray for others who need Him as much as I do. He is in the faces of my husband and daughters and the wag of Gunner's tail. He is in the cool breeze and sunshine that soothes my soul as I contemplate how I'm going to take my next step. He is in every expression of thanks I can extend to every person who has blessed our family in our time of distress and need. He is the I am...ever present, always there.
Don't be fooled by thinking I am strong. I'm not, but God. I am strong in Him, through Him, and because of Him. Without Him, I am nothing. If I boast in anything, let it be in Christ in whom I can do all things because He strengthens me. And when I can't do it, He will carry me and remind me that He holds Zachery for eternity.
I am speechless. Your writing is amazing. Tears are streaming as I hurt for you and Michael. I love you very much and everyday I pray for you. You have touched so many lives and I know God is touching yours. My sweet Beth I pray for you to have peace.
ReplyDeleteDear Sister, Grace and peace to you as you trudge through, climb, and eventually conquer this valley because of the One within you. I am honored and blessed to be your friend. I am continuing to pray for your family. -Stacy
ReplyDeleteI'm honored that God is using me to sit with you during some of those times of sobbing, valleys and low points. God has brought us together as "sisters" to learn from each other and remind each other of HIS grace! I love you sweet friend! I'm proud of you!
ReplyDeleteDear Mrs. Sinclair, my heart has grieved for your family in ways I did not know possible and I hardly know you.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this. It makes my heart & soul rejoice when God is given the glory even through the most heart wrenching times.
I think you worded this "But God" the way David or one of the Psalmists would have... raw, real & finished by standing in faith & the grace that God gives. Sometimes I think we have it the wrong way around; we try to describe God and then we say, "but this or that." God is indeed The First and The Last.
Love and prayers for you & your family!
There is so little that anyone, but God, can do to help right now. We haven't known each other well, but I grieve with you. I am so pleased that I have the opportunity to bring food to you today. It is so little, but it helps me to do something. I won't stop praying for your family.
ReplyDeleteIn Christian love,
Cathy