Butterfly Chronicles: Volume 4

10 weeks, 1 day 

 

 In the sweet by and by,
We shall meet on that beautiful shore…

Day before Thanksgivng and Madison saw a butterfly, and Raeann snapped a photo and sent it to me. Zach’s going is teaching Madison to see the grace gifts and that is a thanksgiving moment and a butterfly moment, and a gift reminder from God that we will meet again on that beautiful shore.

I’m thinking on how do I give thanks this Thanksgiving?  And missing him twisting me and making it hard to breathe.  So I made a short list until I couldn’t cry anymore and there is so much thanksgiving mixed with heartbreak…

• Salvation.  Baptism.  Heaven-home.  Sealed.  Forever.
• The stink smell of boy sweat after lacrosse practice.
• Football Mohawk.
• Rough and tough hugs.
• Speaking “Australian.”
• Remote control fart machine during the Mormon visit.
• Surrounded by friends shooting, Xboxing, Minecrafting, Speedy Stop Icee’s on bicycles.
• Sleeping on the floor.
• Teaching me Xbox and my 6 kills and he was proud.
• Dirt cake mustaches.
• Monster trucks and Monster Truck Rallies and I’m so glad I went after all.
• Army Tank cake.
• Camouflage.
• Lake swimming.
• Thomas Tank days carving tracks across the carpet.
• A football hero who gave his all, bruised and bullied and him still smiling.
• Wars of white and green bb’s sailing toward targets, mom hollering across neighborhoods, “Are your eyes covered?”
• Matchbox cars.
• Cousin hugs.
• Homemade birthday and mother’s day cards full of boy words of love.
• Cheese and bread.
• Boy and dog and dog and boy and running, jumping, lifetime loyalty.
• Family of five, now four here and one there, but memories of five for always.
• Photos-photos-photos, him saying mom no more but snapping and snapping and so thankful I did.
• Santa pictures and toys and smiles and Christmas mornings.
• Thanksgiving running on golf course, cousins tumbling, squealing, joy-filled.
• Fleeting dinner moments when he actually liked what I cooked and me feeling so happy he did.
• Summer sand castles.
• Hunting trips and pulling ticks off boy and dog.
• Our alone lunches during SF.
• Love.  A man child I’ll never stop loving or missing or giving thanks for.

I will take this small very short list to the Thanksgiving this year and hold him invisible in my heart wishing for a hug, wishing for watching pie and ice cream dribble on chin, laughter, eyes sparkling.  I will be thankfully heartbroken for the boy who was here and is there.  In the sweet, by and by we will meet on that beautiful shore.   God, You know it is just so hard.  It is just so hard.  And I wonder if I'll ever stop counting the days from that day.  By and by on that beautiful shore...