Thy Will Be Done?

I've been challenged lately by Ann Voscamp's book One Thousand Gifts.  From what I've read so far, she is on a quest to understand God’s grace and how to give thanks even in the most devastating circumstances.  At one point, she asks the question, "Do they whisper grace in the house of the dead boy?"  Considering that we can't go back there to that house yet and are leaning on the Lord and surrendering those "home" decisions to Him, we aren't whispering grace there for now or maybe forever.

But, those whisperings of grace do come.  The rememberings of that boy are warmth and joy and pain right now all warped and twisted together.  One grace is that although the pain won't ever fully be gone, I believe the warmth and joy will overtake and weigh down the tears over the course of a life.

My husband understands that the boy was always, eternally from the past, only allotted thirteen years.  Knowing simultaneously all the intricacies of a life, God determined the home going moment for His purposes.  How many of us flippantly remark, "Thy will be done," and only really mean it when things are going OUR way?  Perhaps for sure I was one who said this without even knowing what it would or could really mean.  Would I have prayed "Thy will" knowing what I know now, and would I have been able to really mean it?  Is my faith that big?  (Not even close...but how could I know that until this?)

Whatever God is working out, faith is sometimes kicking, screaming, heart wrenching acceptance.  Life has to be a walk by faith, not by the sights I've seen.  Ultimately, I am struggling to understand that God's grace in Zach's death is His ultimate act of love for our boy.  In my brain, this reality is bent and sharp and cutting and will only make sense if He translates it.  Called home, Zach has been released from sin and is truly free, forever - love of God, a gift, grace.  The pain and the joy intertwined and inseparable, but God...I don't pretend to know how He'll work it out, I just know He already is.

Thy will, even now, with what I know and the pain I feel, Thy will be done, and teach me how to mean it, not when things are going my way but Yours.