Butterfly Chronicles Volume 52: Free Indeed - Did Jesus die in vain?

 “So if the Son makes you free, 

you will be free indeed."

One Year Tomorrow 

Waiting for this week, this day, I didn't know what to expect.  Not that I hadn't heard from others about their milestones, but I refuse to take on somebody elses' grief responses.  We are all different.  I still don't know what tomorrow holds, but I know who holds me.


Initially, I thought I would do a blog with just pictures of Zachery from birthdays.  Not this year, too hard, too many tears.

Wondering what God is doing in me, I feel strangely calm and at peace.  Tomorrow Zachery Michael Sinclair celebrates his one year birth into eternity and the presence of Almighty God.  All I can think about is how God is changing me because of Zach.  He's answering prayers. He's lifting the guilt - for now - I hope it lasts.  Guilt from past mistakes, guilt from all the things as a mom I did wrong, guilt that I couldn't save my man-child.

God is lifting the guilt and the veil of guilt, and what I see is Him.  Michael says Zach's death has changed us into better people than we were before.  That is Zach's gift to us - HE, Zach, gave us the gift of a test that has made us know our God in ways we never would have.  Strange to think of his death as the gift bringer, but he has given us so much in the last year.  He is our gift in life and in death.

Zach's death is teaching me that being a Christian is really so much more than we, as 21st century Christians, really walk and practice and live.  We say we have faith; then we worry.  We say God will never forsake us or leave us, and then we act like He has.  We say we study and worship and praise, and then we gripe and complain and moan about how that darn preacher goes over his allotted time every Sunday - as if we arrogant Christians can put a time clock on our Holy God breather of the Universe into existence.  Like we control God's messages to us.  Shouldn't we be BEGGING for more?  Truly begging for more Jesus.  More God. More Bible.  More of His glory in our lives.  Just MORE!  Now, maybe I'm only talking to me.  Maybe this resonates with you too. Either way, I know I'm tired of making God so small and me so big. I WANT MORE GOD.

When He says cast your cares on Me, he means it.  So why is it so hard for me to get out of His way?  I live a life where God is convenient, and I'm not doing it anymore.  If I am anxious for anything, Jesus died in vain.  If I can't trust God with the every hair on my children's heads, Jesus died in vain.  If I can't celebrate the soul flight Zachery took to the very throne of grace, then Jesus died in vain.

I believe in the Lord Jesus Christ and the finished and complete work of His death on the cross  I believe in His burial, and His resurrection.  I believe that nothing, neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.  Zach is free and will never be separated!  I to am free.

So why don't I live free?  Why am I bound by the chains of the fall - or did Jesus die in vain? Today, I am strong.  Perhaps it is a channeling of anger, stubbornness, or denial about what tomorrow is, but in any case, I don't want my God, my Jesus, my Savior to have died in vain.  I want to live looking up to the God who makes something out of nothing, who knit me in the womb, who loved me so much even when I was unlovable, that His son hung from nails on cross, slowly suffocating and drenched in every sin ever committed - for ME and for YOU.  I don't want my Jesus to have died in vain with me living like He's not big enough to carry me - through this - through all things.

I want to live and proclaim and rejoice at the fact that God is God, and I am not.  Free.  He has set me free.  Zach is free.  I can live free in Him and His grace.  And if I don't live like I am free, how can I truly believe that Zach is free.  Today, I'm strong and sure and thankful and overwhelmed by the grace of God.  I know that so many others have it worse.  What right do I have to forget about the blessings God heaps on me day after day and to forget about WHERE Zach is?  I am weak.  I will not always be strong and maybe not tomorrow.  But Zach is safe, Zach is FREE, and I hope God has unfurled the scroll of time so that Zach sees how indeed God works everything together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.


I want to live free though I can't see the scroll but knowing that my God is God alone.

Scatter seeds.   Jesus sets people free - if you've put your faith alone in Christ alone - you are free.  Let's live that way.

Thank you, God, that Zach is free.  Celebrate, Zach.  Celebrate the glory of the Lord!  I love you son, and I love the God who holds you for eternity.  See you in God's right timing, son.  Bask in your Savior!